Everything is finalized December 8th. Got a note today, which lead to a knot in my stomach.
How did all go so wrong?
I was the villain. I stay busy so I don’t have to face it. My whole life is different now. Completely new sets of friends. New apartment. New job. New priorities. Am I new person as well? Does my past reset? It is the past, after all. Does it have to affect my present?
That relationship changed me. Shaped me at a pivotal time of growth in my life. He will always be a part of me, for good and for bad. At times, I miss that relationship. Miss that I knew what to expect. Miss the consistency.
But then again, I don’t recognize the person I was a year ago. Don’t know how to relate to her. Don’t know how to understand her decisions. All I see is desperation and confusion radiating off her in waves.
While I am confused now — grad school, job worries, new-relationship jitters — I feel more sure of myself. Confident that I can handle the roadblocks life deals out. Perhaps my confidence is a self-preservation delusion. But it’s working as of now.
11/21/2010 at 8:10 pm
Wear your scarlet D under your coat, Cat. You earned it and it brings with it maturity and wisdom that you can’t get any other way. It makes all other relationships more valuable and your clarity of limits and direction more crisp. It will always be a sad point in your life but a point from where your adulthood, independence and maturity actually began.
I love you more than words can convey. I am proud of you and know that your marriage/divorce will be just a blip in the history book of your life – like the time North Carolina got 10″ of snow…notable, probably not to be repeated, and of no real relevance to where you are when you think about it.
XXOO
M
12/24/2010 at 5:13 am
-N1